The doctors decided not to drain the cyst today. One doctor told us that they are not in consensus about when they want to drain the cyst so they did another ultrasound and will talk about it later today. He said that they will call me if they decide that they want to drain it right away. Otherwise, we have another ultrasound appointment in one week.
At least some of the doctors don't want to drain now because the cyst could re-fill itself again before labor and then that would put them back at square one. They want to wait until later in the pregnancy to drain. Another issue is that they are not sure what kind of fluid mass is inside the cyst--will it be very liquidy and easy to remove or thick and sticky and hard to remove? They plan to use a very fine needle and they aren't sure if that will be sufficient to take out the cyst's interior substance. Also, some doctors feel that the lung development won't be negatively impacted in the coming weeks because there has already been lots of time for healthy lung development. And if there is any preterm labor, the baby will be further along.
It appears however that there is at least currently consensus to drain the cyst before the end of the pregnancy because they is concern that the lungs won't have room to inflate once the baby's born. The doctor we met with today (who also saw me last week) said that he is in favor of draining now--he has already made his position clear to me and to the other doctors--but he said that he would bring back info from today's appointment and meet with the other doctors later today.
In any case, the baby looked very healthy today. Her heart rate was fine, she's moving normally, the fluid level was a little bit raised but still fine, and fortunately, they don't see any indication right now that the cyst is blocking her airway. That was some good news.
Unless we hear otherwise, we'll be heading back in one week.
I have to admit that walking into the ultrasound room, I had a feeling that they weren't going to do the draining procedure today. When I walked in, the doctor said to me: you look very relaxed. I said: maybe it's because I don't know what we're getting into today. And he said: well, not very much, not today. And, simply, that was the moment I felt that punch in the gut...they know a lot but they don't know it all. And when he said to me: there's not consensus among the doctors, I wanted to wail. It is absolutely in the baby's best benefit that there's a whole team of very skilled medical professionals concerned about her welfare, but the fact that they are disagreeing about what to do was hard to hear. It reminds me how much of this is unknown, and how they are just simply people trying to do their best. And how good is the best of people who just might be the best if in the end they are just really trying, not perfecting, not knowing for sure? You see, anything but 100 percent certainty is heartbreaking.
I am not sure at all what I'm supposed to feel today. Maybe that's why it has been a long, hard day...the uncertainty.
The baby is clearly trying to cheer me up. I'm lounged in bed with bare belly and every few minutes I feel then see her tracking limbs from one side to the other, like a comet you follow in the sky. She's waving to mama, even with her feet.
With all this distraction, it's easy to forget on these kinds of days that I'm so goshdarn pregnant and so goshdarn close to the baby's due date. When I first learned I was pregnant, I somehow never imagined being this pregnant. I remember seeing how big Sydney's belly got, amazed, but still couldn't imagine something like that on me. Well, it keeps getting bigger, and I'm thrilled because baby is getting bigger and closer to being ready for the outside world. If something in her body triggers her to get the heck out of dodge, at least she's five pounds and more ready to be healthy outside the womb.
Bigger belly isn't all. My feet have gone from a size 7.5 to a 9. I only know that because I allowed myself to pick up a pair of 16 dollar loafers that I'll temporarily wear for the next eight weeks. I have outgrown a few of the maternity items I bought early in my second trimester. I can't wear my engagement ring anymore, and my wedding ring is a bit of a battle too. I walked four miles at the Schuylkill River on Saturday afternoon, in short sleeves nonetheless, and I was worried my feet were so swollen that I wouldn't be able to drive myself home. My cheeks are so wide that you'd guess I'm always smiling. Our cat Nadja always comes hunting to rest on my belly, it's the best full stretch pillow for her. A few times her purrs on my belly have summoned Little into action. The carpal tunnel in my right hand means I'm wearing a brace for sleep and another one for daytime, and I have had barely any sensation in a few of my fingertips for weeks. This is a very interesting place, and I feel like even though so many women have gone through this, it's still so new and like a mystery constantly unraveling. It's really a larger story unraveling since our baby is so special. When I started writing this, I never could have imagined that it would tell this kind of a story. And as much as it is hard sometimes, it still feels like a fairytale.
My husband and I have taken childbirth and baby care basics classes. We've practiced breathing techniques for labor (who knows how much of that I have ahead of me), swaddled and bathed dolls, giggled through strange delivery videos, tested strollers for speed, confounded ourselves with infant car seat contraptions, paced across nursery paint colors at Lowe's, and had long go-nowhere discussions about our baby's future name. We've also cried and hugged and held hands and stopped the car just to talk and process. We've studied fetal anatomy. We've read articles about obscure in utero surgeries. And none of it, even the most regular, expected parts of it, have felt normal or inane. It has all been so very new. And it has all been one big experience, not two separate paths: preparing for baby and preparing for baby's special health needs. Just one path: making a family or, really, just being a family already, the best way we know how.
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