An Ode to Sydney and Gray

I have officially entered the era of procreation. I have more and more peers, and more and more girlfriends who are in the business of making babies. Wedding season hasn't ended, but the baby era has begun.

It felt so close to me when my best friend of 16 years Laurie told me she was pregnant. It was such a surreal moment when I learned her news. I remembered us being in high school doing flips over the top of the couch and screaming about long kisses with teenage boys and hanging out in her basement for hours with her sisters. It seemed so difficult to imagine her in a whole new role. She and I would talk about our families all the time, now she was making her own family. I mean, committing to a life partner is certainly making a family, but this was bringing a whole new person into the world...making one from scratch! But, you see, Laurie lives miles and miles away from me. She was in Seattle for most of her pregnancy and spent her last couple months in San Diego. I remember when I went down to Maryland for her baby shower--seeing her pregnant was a real mental exercise. It was just mindbending to see her carrying a human being, her child. I was really bowled over, so happy for her, but also just in awe of the whole experience. And, now she has Maddie Claire. At least that's what I call her in my head. Even though I haven't met her yet, I feel like I know her so well already. I have known her mom since we were kids, and I love her already because of it. I cannot wait to meet her.

But, you see, there's also my best friend Sydney. She lives just a few streets away, and I can visit her all the time. And the surrealness of a pregnant best friend was, through the whole pregnancy, right there for me to see. It was a bit less surprising at the end because I had seen her grow, and listened to her stories and experiences and thoughts and fears while we walked through the city or sat on someone's couch.

And then when I learned I was pregnant, Syd was one of the first people I wanted to tell. I knew she'd know though before I was really allowed to tell her. I remember showing up to a party at Jared and Jen's place in late August, wearing my new cleavage, sipping ice water and feeling like a million bucks. Exhausted but ecstatic. I'm sure half our friends figured it out, perhaps without confirmation, that night. And I remember Syd stared at my eyes, raised her eyebrows at me a few times, and just smiled a very sneaky smile. The next time I saw her she said: If you want to fool people into thinking you're not pregnant, you should... And I said, Sydney, I'm pregnant. And she was about to continue her sentence when she just stopped mid-word and gave me a huge, huge hug.

And that was the beginning of a new era in what Sydney and I had.

Sydney was my closest geographically and closest in love and companionship pregnant friend. Early on, she sent me a beautiful email written so off the cuff and clearly from a place of excitement with mixed up happy jumbled words about how she and I were in a community of mothers and we should support each other and share stories and be together. It made me so elated.

From then on, I always craved my Syd. Every time I went out with our friends without her, I wanted her there. When I would have a random fear or exciting thought, I shared them with her or I imagined myself doing it and held on to it until I saw her next. I asked her a million questions, and she asked me a million questions. We would text each other philosophical ramblings reflecting the new ways we saw the world. I remember one of Syd's texts said: Do you look at your Mom and Dad differently now? These were the kinds of deep thoughts and conversations we were embarking on with this new shared experience.

There was never a second that I didn't cherish sharing pregnancy with Sydney. Not a single one. She and I had new clothes to talk about, new baby items to purchase, doctors to compare. When I finally broke down and went on a maternity clothes shopping spree, I modeled them all for Syd and we recognized a few of the same items between us. When she took me shopping with her for her baby shower dress, it was my introduction to maternity stores. Syd held my hand during all the weird hard parts, and she gave me so much confidence that I'd be okay. When I heard Syd's birth story (even though she may worry that she freaked me out), I really left the hospital feeling like: I can do this. I can totally do this.

And now, Sydney and Dan have a beautiful daughter named Grayson (call her Gray for short). And Syd is no longer pregnant.

And that was the beginning of a new era in what Sydney and I now have.

It's true. I'd be lying if I didn't admit it: I'm grieving Syd's pregnancy. It was our special thing together. Even though I was so so so so happy that little Gray finally arrived safely, I spent the last couple weeks of Syd's pregnancy feeling sad that things were changing. I mean, I know delivering a child is the whole point, but there's just something special about being pregnant BFFs together. Touching each other's bumps. Winking in those moments. Understanding each other's cries.

But, really, baby Gray is a wonder. She's so little but so big. She was inside of Syd! I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that one. She is so special, somehow already perfect, and I can't help but love her without her doing a single thing. There really is something about the way you love your friends and watching them become parents. It's magical.

And, so, even though I'll grieve my and Syd's pregnant duo days together, I think our days as mother-best friends will be even more special. We'll still have stories to share, questions to ask, and new little ones in the room to look at, think about, and love. We'll watch our children grow together. We'll make them sleep in shared cribs. And they'll love each other too.

I grew up with my mother's best friends and their children. I love them like they are my second Moms. And their children are some of the most important, special people I'll ever know. We grew up together, and as they start their own families now, it's so special for me to see. I'm so excited that Syd and I will create all of this too. Because I know what it turns into, and it's so remarkably wonderful.

So, this entry started as an Ode to Sydney, the pregnant one. But it ends an Ode to Sydney, the mother. And little baby Gray. Who will certainly be Little's best friend before she knows it. Hold on, Gray, Little is coming.

17 Weeks

When they say that the second trimester is better, it's no joke. I feel like I'm in Happyland, comparatively speaking. But when they say that you'll feel a "burst of energy" and feel amazing again, what they mean is, you'll feel almost normal. Yes, I can finally stay awake past 9:30 PM, I can wait 30 minutes after I wake up to eat my first meal, I no longer feel like vomiting would make my day so much better, and the pimples on my face are starting to look dated.

But it's not as if I feel un-pregnant. There are still plenty of happy and strange reminders that I'm carrying our little darling. There are days though where I go through hours of the day not even thinking about the fact that I'm pregnant. Compared to several weeks ago, this is a whole new daily paradigm!

Second trimester pregnancy has it's own special moments though. I'm still kinda broken out. I now have a hard time putting on my socks. (Fortunately, Sydney showed me her technique. And, at that moment, when she was demonstrating sock assembly, I had to think to myself "This is really happening.") I have officially outgrown all of my normal jeans. I no longer feel silly tracking charming names that I come across. I have started a list of needed baby items. I enjoy cooking again. And I cleaned my house...a little.

It's so fascinating the way pregnancy alters what are seemingly normal experiences. When I work out, I sweat much more and I breathe heavier. I am just getting over a cold that lasted a full week and knocked me off my feet in ferocious fashion (my poor hubby had to see me weep in self-pity in the middle of the night a few nights). Every winter, I get a dry skin flare-up on my hands and this winter it's a full blown rash.

And my dreams. Whoa. My dreams. I read yesterday that pregnant women often feel that they have very active and strange dream lives because they have shorter REM sleep cycles. These shorter cycles are caused by constantly waking up in the middle of the night to pee, or because of heartburn pain, leg cramps, discomfort, etc. Since preggers ladies are waking up more, they are more likely to remember their dreams. Furthermore, dreams may be more strange or emotional because, well, it's a nuanced time--lots of intense emotions, highs and lows, you name it, we got it.

These nights, I definitely wake up so much more often now during the night. I head to the toilet about four times a night. I also wake up in discomfort a lot becuase I am trying to coax myself to sleep on my side. Pregnant women this far along are instructed to not sleep on their stomachs (duh) and on their backs. When a pregnant woman sleeps on her back, she can interrupt the baby's circulation (the weight of the uterus can press on the vena cava), and she can cause muscle pains, a drop in blood pressure, and hemorrhoids. I know, yikes. Well, I've always been a back sleeper so this is a major feat for me. I find myself on my back throughout the night and wake up in frenzy to shift. It's a big project. Even more, they recommend the left side to sleep on as it improve some organ functioning. Hm.

Anyway, my dreams have been out of this world. I dream that I have babies, you have babies, and we all birth baby animals. There's also a lot of rescuing babies, small children, and little animals. I also dream that I'm being a bad pregnant person. In one dream, I sat and chainsmoked and couldn't get myself to stop smoking. In another dream, I got buzzed on a couple beers and then freaked out when I realized I was pregnant.

But truly, the most wonderful thing of all to date of this trimester is feeling Little move. I felt it. And it was amazing. A couple weeks ago, I was lying my bed (apparently being horizontal helps) and I felt something "swim" through me, it felt a bit like a shooting star. I thought maybe...but didn't get too excited because it was so early (15 weeks at that point) and generally they say you don't feel anything until 16 weeks or a little later. Well, I felt Little this week and I'm completely confident it was the babe. I was (again) lying on my bed and the sensation of a bubble of water floated from bottom to the top of my lower abdomen. I shook with excitement for just a moment and and then held as still as possible. And then, again, Little said hello. The same sensation happened again seconds later. It was something I've never felt before and it was so peculiar. And, well, really wonderful. Hello back, Little. I love you.