9 Weeks

Oh boy, nine weeks has a serious feel to it. A heavy, sickening, overwhelming feel.

It includes nausea that has extended beyond my mornings into my early evenings and well into my late nights. It includes fatigue that hangs on all of my muscles, pulls my limbs to the ground, and sits right on my eyelids. It includes a post-meal exhaustion that rolls over me like a tsunami wave and then rolls off a half hour later. It includes alternating constipation and diarrhea, and the most foul flatulence I've ever known a human to produce. It includes bloating that convinces me that I could easier roll around than walk. It includes the need to run to the toilet at least twice every night, clutching my sore breasts with one arm and holding my bladder in with the other. It includes the biggest breakout of acne that my forehead has seen since I was 14. It includes intense aversions to random smells--foods that are salty smell sweet and vice versa. It also includes cravings of foods I don't eat often or haven't in ages: pizza covered in mushrooms and Apple Jacks cereal. It includes an insatiable hunger that somehow sticks around long past the end of a meal. It includes dizziness, occasional loss of balance, and mixed up depth perception that makes going down the stairs a thoughtful exercise. It includes being on the verge of huge tugboat tears daily at the sound or thought of sad news, even for strangers.

Apparently, all of this, is either caused or affected in some way by the great amount of hormones swirling around inside right now. Soon enough, though, my body will get used to this roller coaster ride (please by week 12? hm, week 14 might be more likely). That's the peace I hear the second trimester brings. I can't wait!

But nine weeks also includes excitement at the notice of every new change, a race to the second trimester and even more confidence that this will be a healthy pregnancy with a beautiful, healthy baby at the end of it all. It includes greater freedom in looking, feeling, and being pregnant. It includes less obsessive reading about miscarriage stories, and more reading about the changing paradigm: from person to parent. From one to two to three. From just me to us, ours, we're pregnant, we're a family, it's all right here, around the corner, really not too far from nine weeks at all.

First Prenatal Appointment

Yesterday, my husband and I went to our first prenatal care appointment. I was very excited about this appointment because aside from the long list of pregnancy symptoms I'm dealing with, I was hoping for some additional, medical confirmation that, yes, there's a baby growing inside. Of course there is. But there's something that feels safe about the proof that only a healthcare provider can offer. Like when I did two home pregnancy tests and followed up with a doctor-administered urine test the next day. It just feels more real when a doc acknowledges it.

I was hoping that we'd get to experience our first ultrasound on the day of, but alas, we'll have to wait about three more weeks for that. The next best thing was hearing the baby's heartbeat. The nurse midwife was hesitant to try to listen for it since at nine weeks there's no guarantee that it can be heard. She was worried that the absence of a heartbeat would concern us. I had a hunch though that we might be able to hear it since a previous physician who saw me just a few weeks ago told me that my uterus was positioned very close to the front of my body (hence, the early arrival of the baby bump). I didn't say anything, but the nurse midwife mentioned the same thing. She then very generously obliged, and offered to try to take a listen. I promised not to worry if we couldn't hear it (was this a lie? perhaps...I'm only human).

Minutes later, she came in with some goo and a grey wand connected to a handheld speaker. I squealed! I had to lay so still. At one point, we heard my heartbeat, and then as she moved to my right side, she slowed the wand, held still over a couple spots, and then we heard it. It was so amazing and wonderful. A quick paced beat, loud over the speaker, so fast and healthy sounding. Proof of the baby! I heard little's heartbeat! I stared at my husband and beamed from ear to ear. And then, I HAD to ask: You only heard one in there, right?

And, finally, introducing...The Baby Bump!

You can only see it when I'm naked or when I'm wearing stretch pants, which I am inclined to do much more often these days. I know...already with the stretch pants. But it is there! Baby says hihi! Or rather hola!

It's a bit of a strange bump. It's low, very close to my crotch. Nothing like the bump of a big meal. It's like my body goes in from my breasts down to the bump where it suddenly just plumps out like, well, a piece of fruit sticking out of my body. (I'm clearly still thinking of my plum-sized uterus!) My husband and I keep forgetting to start taking our weekly photographs to capture my body's changes. Well, we're already pass zero to something because this baby bump is already something!

My morning sickness varies day by day and my hunger has not waned a bit. Imagine feeling like you want to throw up while simultaneously experiencing the most intense hunger of your lifetime...several times a day. Sometimes, I eat a whole bagel and I'm starving again about 15 minutes later. I'm eating more for sure, but I've only gained a pound since I learned I was pregnant. I guess baby is taking care of it. Plus, I'm still exercising almost as much--I've just cut out my weekend workouts for the most part so that I have more lounging time.

I've had a bit of transformation in my psychology of self a bit lately too. I have so little desire to dress up cute, let alone sexy. I want to wear cover-up clothes and comfy shoes. I saw a cute pair of high heels the other day and thought to myself--maybe in a few years I will wear something like that again. Wha? I hear that the second trimester will be different though, so I'm already hopeful. I used to enjoy getting dressed up cute! Now it just feels like a chore that pales in comparison to everything else moving around in my head. I bet once the bump is bigger, noticeable through clothes, I'll have fun planning a whole wardrobe around it. That'll be my return to self!

I love the baby bump. I already love our baby, somehow! I enjoy cradling it. I cannot wait until my first full-blown prenatal care appointment on September 28. Sydney said that they may do the first ultrasound then. Eeeee! How exciting. If things look good on the screen and heartbeat sounds good (I'll be 10 weeks then), then there will only be a 3% chance of miscarriage from then on. It'll be a huge relief.

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of hanging out with two babies on my day trip with Sarah to go bridal gown shopping. It was pretty surreal. I felt this new comfort holding the babies, like I'm a bona fied person who has the capacity to do it and not do something stupid like drop the baby. It's like, well, my body says I'm capable so might as well live like it. I also feel more maternal towards children I see on the street. I feel more invested in how they are being cared for. I've joined some legion of parents and future parents that need to heal all children. It's a bit overwhelming, especially since our city is full of so much negligent parenting. Here's hoping I don't have the gall to take my baby bump into the war on behalf of Philadelphia's children. I don't think having just a baby bump qualifies me for much. Except a whole lot of excitement. :)

The Rules

I’m obsessed with learning the rules for preggers ladies. I receive several weekly and monthly newsletters. I read different kinds of websites—the science-y ones, the hippy ones, the capitalistic ones—they all serve different needs I have to learn the rules. And I google a new question everyday. They always start like this: “safe during first trimester to…” Then they are followed by things like: eat Caesar dressing, high impact exercise, step classes, go to beach, symptoms of overheating, use sunblock, take nexium, take tums, paint rooms, bike on bumpy streets, etc. Many of my daily activities are verified for safety with a quick google check, then a bout of intense fear, curiosity, comfort, and often, moving full steam ahead.

It appears that much of daily life is just fine for pregnant women save exposure to the hundreds of chemicals all around us. I have been embarking on a chemical cleanse since the start of the new year. I’ve tried about 3 or 4 crappy all natural shampoos by now, I order $35 moisturizer online, and I am over time getting rid of all of my cleaning products in favor of less toxic options. But, now that I’m pregnant, it’s a whole new ball game. I never clean without rubber gloves. I don’t drink tap water (the pipe going into my home is made of lead, as I’m sure some of the city’s pipes are). I buy almost all of my body products online. And I LIVE by the Environmental Working Group’s Skin Deep Cosmetic Safety Database which allows you to enter products, analyze the ingredients, and learn about research-demonstrated risks of the included synethetic and natural compounds. It’s a sick game when I get excited about a new product, type it in, and see a disturbing 5 or 6 rating (0 is the best). Then it’s back to the drawing board. Yeah, I’m on that site’s newsletter list too.

Spilling the Beans

We are truly ecstatic to share our joyful news, but convention says we are supposed to wait a while--until we enter the second trimester and the risk of miscarriage is significantly less likely. As I have read up though over the past couple weeks, I've seen that convention may be outdated. More and more moms-to-be in Weeks 4 to 8 are telling family and close friends. We've decided to do the same.

The expectation that pregnant partners will withhold this good news from everyone does women no good if you ask me. It assumes that miscarriage is a smite on the family, a reason to be embarrassed, whereby women feel more like failures and further stigmatized.

My husband and I have decided that we are comfortable slowly but surely spilling the beans to our family and very close friends between now and the end of the first trimester with the hope and expectation that these folks will be there for us if something goes wrong. We would never want to go through that alone, so why would we not tell anyone we are pregnant. Good news is meant to be shared, and nothing is guaranteed. I'd be devastated to have these wonders in pregnancy kept silent, only to lose the pregnancy and never have shared these exciting moments with people I love. It would make it feel like I was never pregnant, that Little never existed, and that my husband and I never embarked on the beginning of perhaps the most special time in our lives.

I am nervous about sharing our news in the way that is best for us. I am a bona fied terrible liar, and my friends are smart enough to know what to look for. Besides that, we know people we love are happy to know, but they've been told too that spilling the beans this early only sets us up for uncomfortable exchanges should the worst occur. We are going to move ahead though with the worst far from our minds, with joy about our future and the future of our little, and with the comfort and relief that if the news turns bad, we'll have a group of folks to rely on.

And, besides all of that, there are some mixed reactions. My wonderful friend Sydney who is further along in her pregnancy shared some good advice, explaining that folks will react with as much shock as love, as much envy as joy, and as much grief as celebration. Our friends will have to reflect on the reality that our lives will never be the same. And, while we feel life will be infinitely more wonderful, it may take some of our friends a minute to get there.

But the most warm reception, and the most often received, is utter excitement. I will never forget the looks on the faces of our parents when we shared the news. Complete surprise, red faces, huge as hell smiles. Sheer and utter joy. When I told my Mom that I knew for only a week so far that I was pregnant, she asked why I hadn't said anything earlier. So much excitement for this happy, ecstatically wondrous time!

6 Weeks

I hit the Week 6 mark two days ago. Since Week 4, I've been receiving weekly updates from a pregnancy info site that explains the insanity of growth within. Our little embryo is about the size of a kernel of corn. Last week, no larger than a lentil. Our little is growing rapidly now, he/she has a heartbeat, flowing blood, dimples for eyes and ears, and a growing neurological system. Little even has the capacity to move around and respond to touch. It all blows my mind!

I find myself having strong urges to pet my womb and cup my belly with embryo-size hugs, but then I feel silly for having so much love for a little bundle of barely developed cells. In any case, I can't help but love Little already.

My body is already changing so much.

The Boobs
My breasts are sore as hell! So sore! Every time they are touched, I cringe. When I walk up stairs, I brace them with my forearm. Last week, in my aerobics class, I folded my hands across my chest to keep them from severe bopping around pain. They are growing quickly. My full hand can no longer hold one, and, forget about it when I jam them into my push-up bra...they look larger than I ever have seen them. My nipples are darker too. Thank goodness they aren't larger yet, that'll be a moment.

A la Toilette
I pee constantly now. I have to go every hour, and somehow I'm still thirsty throughout the day. Every time I go, it's a steady stream. Apparently, my plum sized uterus is pushing on my bladder, creating what feels like the neverending need to pee. I consider all of my trips mindfully calculating where the nearest toilet will be. Yesterday we drove down to Delaware--our trips to and fro both started and ended with sprints to the toilet.

Growing Womb, Growing Appetite
I've got the textbook cramping, a sign of my growing womb. And my appetite has increased to match. Somehow, I can consume an egg and toast breakfast, and still feel as hungry afterwards as I did before my first bite. I am only satisfied after a series of little meals, and that feeling of full has eluded me for days now.

Emotion Commotion
I have felt infinitely more prone to crying fits--anything can set me off. A couple weeks ago, reading the headline of a Philadelphia Daily News article about a teen who died playing basketball set me into a half hour of tears. Every time I feel remotely sad, I cry. Last week, a grumpy old man bumped into me as I was crossing a downtown intersection, and I couldn't help but sob. I felt like all that I was doing to protect Little was for naught as I couldn't protect him/her from the infractions of others. It was just a bump though in the middle of Walnut Street. And even though it felt violent in the moment, I'm not sure my extreme reaction wasn't prompted by the hormones rushing through me.

And, finally, Morning Sickness
I have to admit, I was a bit worried that I had not felt a lick of nausea before this week. I visited my doc on Friday and asked if I should be concerned. I read that the experience of nausea can be a sign of a healthy pregnancy with decreased likelihood of miscarriage so for some unknown reason I woke up every day waiting for a sick stomach. When I asked "should I be concerned?" She politely smiled and said: "You should feel so lucky, but you're not in the clear yet." I know now what she meant. I woke up yesterday morning feeling sick as hell: hungry like a wolf with swirling insides and dizziness. It felt like a dull hangover. And my first meal didn't fix it. And this morning showed it was no fluke--I felt just as sick this morning. I'll have to discover a routine to deal with this.

Oh yea, and that Gall Stone
I spent eight hours in a hospital ER about a week ago due to what I suspect was a gall stone that passed while I was in the waiting room. Now, that was serious pain. It took days of information gathering to feel more sure, but a nurse in the ER mentioned it as a condition pregnant women were more prone to due to the increase of estrogen in the body. I hope it won't be something to look forward to again in my pregnancy.

As much as these symptoms are annoying, painful, and strange, they are sources of great joy. Any sign that our little is growing, and his/her home inside is becoming more nourishing and comfortable, is welcome.

Testing Positive

On August 22 of this year, I learned I was pregnant. After one positive home pregnancy test, my husband and I jetted off to CVS to purchase another one for some more certainty. It showed up positive too, so I was as sure as I could be without a doc's stamp of confirmation.

I became pregnant on only our second try. It was a bit shocking to have such quick success, though we'll only truly know our success once we make it into the second trimester and feel more confident that things will go well. We discontinued birth control in early July so to conceive within a matter of weeks from then was a big surprise, especially since most post-pill pregnancies start at least 3 months after stopping the pill. The doctor who confirmed my pregnancy a day after our home test did called me Fertile Myrtle.

Within the week prior to learning of the pregnancy, I had my first symptom: sore breasts. I was in an aerobics class and my breasts were incredibly sore. Pregnancy crossed my mind for a split second but I considered it so unlikely since I had just stopped taking the pill. I assumed I was heading into PMSville, and felt annoyed that it interfered with my workout. On the day that I took a home test though, my second symptom arrived: constant urination. I mean CONSTANT. I have to go pee every half hour it feels like. That day, I trekked up to our second floor powder room about 12 times before I said, heck, I should just take a home test for the heck of it. And, well, the rest is history.

Following these Weeks

Welcome to my pregnancy blog. I know there are about a million blogs out there already documenting the 40 weeks of wonder, but I think there's something special to learning about the peculiar pregnancy adventures of the women you love and so this is something I offer to my family and friends.

And, well, for full disclosure, this is also a service to myself. Every day I wake up, feel something strange and different, and just want to share it all. I think this will be a charming record of my experiences that I can enjoy for years to come, and (knock on wood) something for our child to enjoy also.