An Ode to Sydney and Gray

I have officially entered the era of procreation. I have more and more peers, and more and more girlfriends who are in the business of making babies. Wedding season hasn't ended, but the baby era has begun.

It felt so close to me when my best friend of 16 years Laurie told me she was pregnant. It was such a surreal moment when I learned her news. I remembered us being in high school doing flips over the top of the couch and screaming about long kisses with teenage boys and hanging out in her basement for hours with her sisters. It seemed so difficult to imagine her in a whole new role. She and I would talk about our families all the time, now she was making her own family. I mean, committing to a life partner is certainly making a family, but this was bringing a whole new person into the world...making one from scratch! But, you see, Laurie lives miles and miles away from me. She was in Seattle for most of her pregnancy and spent her last couple months in San Diego. I remember when I went down to Maryland for her baby shower--seeing her pregnant was a real mental exercise. It was just mindbending to see her carrying a human being, her child. I was really bowled over, so happy for her, but also just in awe of the whole experience. And, now she has Maddie Claire. At least that's what I call her in my head. Even though I haven't met her yet, I feel like I know her so well already. I have known her mom since we were kids, and I love her already because of it. I cannot wait to meet her.

But, you see, there's also my best friend Sydney. She lives just a few streets away, and I can visit her all the time. And the surrealness of a pregnant best friend was, through the whole pregnancy, right there for me to see. It was a bit less surprising at the end because I had seen her grow, and listened to her stories and experiences and thoughts and fears while we walked through the city or sat on someone's couch.

And then when I learned I was pregnant, Syd was one of the first people I wanted to tell. I knew she'd know though before I was really allowed to tell her. I remember showing up to a party at Jared and Jen's place in late August, wearing my new cleavage, sipping ice water and feeling like a million bucks. Exhausted but ecstatic. I'm sure half our friends figured it out, perhaps without confirmation, that night. And I remember Syd stared at my eyes, raised her eyebrows at me a few times, and just smiled a very sneaky smile. The next time I saw her she said: If you want to fool people into thinking you're not pregnant, you should... And I said, Sydney, I'm pregnant. And she was about to continue her sentence when she just stopped mid-word and gave me a huge, huge hug.

And that was the beginning of a new era in what Sydney and I had.

Sydney was my closest geographically and closest in love and companionship pregnant friend. Early on, she sent me a beautiful email written so off the cuff and clearly from a place of excitement with mixed up happy jumbled words about how she and I were in a community of mothers and we should support each other and share stories and be together. It made me so elated.

From then on, I always craved my Syd. Every time I went out with our friends without her, I wanted her there. When I would have a random fear or exciting thought, I shared them with her or I imagined myself doing it and held on to it until I saw her next. I asked her a million questions, and she asked me a million questions. We would text each other philosophical ramblings reflecting the new ways we saw the world. I remember one of Syd's texts said: Do you look at your Mom and Dad differently now? These were the kinds of deep thoughts and conversations we were embarking on with this new shared experience.

There was never a second that I didn't cherish sharing pregnancy with Sydney. Not a single one. She and I had new clothes to talk about, new baby items to purchase, doctors to compare. When I finally broke down and went on a maternity clothes shopping spree, I modeled them all for Syd and we recognized a few of the same items between us. When she took me shopping with her for her baby shower dress, it was my introduction to maternity stores. Syd held my hand during all the weird hard parts, and she gave me so much confidence that I'd be okay. When I heard Syd's birth story (even though she may worry that she freaked me out), I really left the hospital feeling like: I can do this. I can totally do this.

And now, Sydney and Dan have a beautiful daughter named Grayson (call her Gray for short). And Syd is no longer pregnant.

And that was the beginning of a new era in what Sydney and I now have.

It's true. I'd be lying if I didn't admit it: I'm grieving Syd's pregnancy. It was our special thing together. Even though I was so so so so happy that little Gray finally arrived safely, I spent the last couple weeks of Syd's pregnancy feeling sad that things were changing. I mean, I know delivering a child is the whole point, but there's just something special about being pregnant BFFs together. Touching each other's bumps. Winking in those moments. Understanding each other's cries.

But, really, baby Gray is a wonder. She's so little but so big. She was inside of Syd! I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that one. She is so special, somehow already perfect, and I can't help but love her without her doing a single thing. There really is something about the way you love your friends and watching them become parents. It's magical.

And, so, even though I'll grieve my and Syd's pregnant duo days together, I think our days as mother-best friends will be even more special. We'll still have stories to share, questions to ask, and new little ones in the room to look at, think about, and love. We'll watch our children grow together. We'll make them sleep in shared cribs. And they'll love each other too.

I grew up with my mother's best friends and their children. I love them like they are my second Moms. And their children are some of the most important, special people I'll ever know. We grew up together, and as they start their own families now, it's so special for me to see. I'm so excited that Syd and I will create all of this too. Because I know what it turns into, and it's so remarkably wonderful.

So, this entry started as an Ode to Sydney, the pregnant one. But it ends an Ode to Sydney, the mother. And little baby Gray. Who will certainly be Little's best friend before she knows it. Hold on, Gray, Little is coming.